• Simple = stupid, boring
• Non-materialistic = poor
• Open-minded = would like to have a threesome
• Fun = I am only interested in sex
• Laid Back = I have no opinion on anything and/or I smoke too much pot
• Active = Will get up off couch to search for remote
• Outgoing = loud and obnoxious
• Average = ugly
• Take care of myself = knows how to use the shower, soap and deodorant
• Not into head games = I'm really touchy and get offended when people don't respond or turn me down
• Has No Baggage = I've been in a coma since the age of 12 and just woke up (ed note:  seriously people, who among us over the age of 20 has no baggage?  It's not about your baggage, it's about whether you carry it around and unpack it everywhere)

In Describing the Woman He is Looking For

• Non materialistic = I have no money to buy you stuff
• Open-minded = Somebody who is willing to have a threesome, be tied up, or have "back-door" sex
• Fun = Is ok with the fact that I just want to have sex
• Takes care of herself = is thin
• Doesn't judge a book by it's cover = won't mind that I'm ugly
• Laid Back = doesn't have an opinion of her own
• Intelligent = smart enough to realize that I just want to have sex
• Attractive = looks like a super model
• Independent = I don't want to spend money on you or have you clinging to me all the time
• Has No Baggage = has no children, no ex-boyfriends/husbands, no serious childhood trauma -- i.e. has been in a coma since the age of 12 and just woke up.  See editorial note on baggage above.
• Active = will get up off the couch to get me beer and find the remote
• Easy going = will do whatever I ask

Those are the most popular words that I found needed to be translated.  Feel free to hit "Add a comment" and add your own.

• Easy going.  WTF?  What, like you're gonna say you're not easy going?  What the hell does that mean anyway?  That you're a doormat.  Be a little more generic will ya?
• Loves life.  Good lord.  I hate life.  That's why I'm here trying to share my misery with others.  That's just stupid.
• Is comfortable with themselves.  Once again, WTF?  Does this mean you like to wear sweat pants and comfy socks and sit around on the couch?  Does this mean you're not afraid to fart in public?  Huh? Huh?
• Is active.  What a crock.  Nobody is as active as the people on these online dating sites.  I don't see how they have time to work, let alone date, between mountain climbing, snowboarding, running marathons, and hunting wild boar.
• Is not into head games.  Oh my lord.  Dating is a head game.  Wake up you dumbasses.
• Takes care of themselves.  Once again, I have to say, WTF does this mean?  Does this mean showers and shaves the appropriate places and uses deodorant, does it mean you brush your teeth and hair, does it mean you go for weekly manicures and pedicures, get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise, WHAT?????
• Likes to have fun.  What kind of nimrod doesn't like to have fun?  I'm here precisely because fun is highly overrated and I never want to have any fun again.  What do you mean by "fun" anyway?
• Has/Is looking for a good heart.  Could you BE more generic?  Go play in traffic.  Good heart my ass.  My heart is as black as they come.
• Likes to cuddle.  This is just a LIE.  You are a man.  There's only one thing you want to cuddle up to.
• Down to earth.  This is almost in the same category as easy going.  Who really has any freaking clue what this means?  Please.
• Knows what they want in life.  If you say you know what you want, you are deluding yourself.  If you are looking for someone who knows what they want, you are delusional.  Nobody knows what they want.  They just think they do until they get what they want and realize "nah, that wasn't it."

In response to the general drivel out there, I give you "anti-profile", pasted below for your reading enjoyment.  Feel free to copy without attribution, mock, complain or whine about it.

<dating profile>

Let's see, let's see.

I am extremely difficult to get along with. Very fussy, whiny and I like to complain. I basically have no sense of humour. I'm not very smart, I don't really like to do much of anything. I'm ugly and my feet stink. I have some kind of itchy rash that I can't get rid of. I'm unemployed, my main source of income being returning all the empty beer bottles that are stashed in my backyard next to the disassembled pick up trucks and old couches. Sometimes I make my kids beg in the street for me. I really don't like myself very much and I spend a lot of time wishing I was someone else entirely. I have no social skills, can't carry on a conversation and have nothing of value to say anyway. I love playing head games. Bring on the games people.

Yeah, that's about it.

Later.

Oh wait. If you really want to know something about me you could read my blog (darklight1031.spaces.live.com). If the profile didn't freak you out, the blog is sure to.

</dating profile>

So here are my tips:

• Get a decent picture taken.  Yeah, this one has nothing to do with writing, but the number one most important thing in online dating is a decent picture.  Get yourself fixed up and have a friend take hundreds of pictures if that's what it takes to get a good one.  Get a professional to do it if you can afford it.  Ideally, have more than one picture available.  If you can incorporate something interesting in your picture, do it.  For example, that picture of me on the rock (my profile picture here) is a big hit.  It seems to get lots of attention.  Stay away from pictures of you with other people, your kids or your pets.  Same goes for guys by the way.  And keep your picture recent.  Every few months, put up a new one.
• If you can, write your own profile.  It is important that you use your own words because an impression of you will come across in how you write.  You can ask friends what to include or what they think your best qualities are, but write it up yourself
• Get someone to spell/grammar check it for you
• Keep it relatively short, but not so short that you convey no information.  Of course this is a rule I break all the time (my profiles are long), but hey, I never follow my own advice.
• Be honest.  There is nothing worse than meeting somebody and having to explain why you lied about your body type, whether you smoke and why your picture is 3 years old.  One guy told me he met someone who actually used someone else's picture on her profile.  Don't do that.  It will always come back to haunt you.
• Stick to facts about yourself that aren't covered by the general stuff that all sites provide in their set up.  For example, you don't need to repeat your age, marital status or the fact that you have kids.
• Talk about the stuff about you that you are attracted to.  What are your hobbies (real ones).  Don't put down 100 things, people will just think you're lying.  Stick to the 2 or 3 hobbies you really have and not the dozens of things you've tried once or twice.  If you have kids, I recommend not talking about them.  Lots of people like to say "my children are the light of my life" or some other such thing.  No kidding.  If you have kids, of course they are.  Most people get this.  You are looking for an adult to date here.
• When talking about what you are looking for in the person you would like to date, I think it pays to be specific only about the things you absolutely must or must not have.  So, for example, if you absolutely refuse to go out with a smoker, say so.  If you will only date people who have "average" or "athletic" body types, say so.  I appreciate this kind of thing in a profile.  But be careful of being too specific and scaring people away.
• Try to inject some humour if you can.  It shouldn't be all serious.  This is meant to be entertaining.
• Update your profile frequently.  Experiment and see what gets the best results.

Finally, though, I'm not sure it matters much.  Most people (guys anyway), don't read the profiles.  They just look at the picture and if they like it, send you a message.  Maybe I'm just too jaded and cynical.

Oh yeah, if you want to see some examples of some really excellent profiles, check mine out!!!!!!!

http://www.plentyoffish.com/member1627670.htm

http://www.casualkiss.com/members/Darklight31/

1. Common question: "So how is the dating going?"  This question is fairly normal and not so bad.  You should probably have some stories to tell in response.  If you don't, make them up.  Feel free to read through my old blogs and use some of my stories.  Of course, if the dating isn't going, just feel free to say so.
2. Now, let's say you've met a guy, and you like him.  Let's call him Bob.  Here's what you can expect:  "So, have you heard from Bob?".  This is a normal question, so be prepared for it.  Well, if you have heard from Bob, then all is well, you have something to talk about.  But, chances are, if you're actually being asked this question, you haven't heard from Bob (especially if you met him online because online people are notoriously unreliable), because if you had heard from Bob, you'd be shouting it from the rooftops.  So, here are a couple of ways you can go with this one.  You can go for the simple, honest response:  "No".  Or, you can go for the more complex and more honest response "No.  And thanks so much for bringing it up".  Then cry.  Or give the look of death.
3. If the person who asked question #2 is really clueless, you will then get the follow up question:  "Are you disappointed that you haven't heard from  Bob?"  WTF?  I mean, really.  What kind of response do people expect to a question like this?  Do they expect to hear something like "No, I met a guy a really like, he hasn't called me, but you know, I don't care at all".  What is the matter with people?  Of course you care.  Duh.  So, I figure you can go a bunch of different ways on this one.  You can actually use the aforementioned response, but I'd suggest a tone of voice that is dripping with sarcasm accompanied by the look of death.  Or, you can go for the crazy person angle.  Say something like "Yes, I'm really disappointed.  I was sure that we were soul-mates.  I can't believe he doesn't feel the same way.  I've called him 10 times in the last 2 days, sent him 25 emails and he still hasn't responded.  I don't understand it.  What do you think I should do?"  Or you can go for the rude, but honest answer:  "Of course I'm disappointed you dumbass.  What kind of question is that anyway?"  Or you can go for the honest and polite answer "Yes, I am."  Or, you can go for the sympathy angle.  "Yes, I'm pretty disappointed.  I really liked him and thought he felt the same way.  I can't believe I keep getting rejected.  What's wrong with me?"  Then cry.  Crying is always good.  Especially if you want to get the message across to people that they shouldn't ask you those types of questions in the future.
4. Here's my personal favourite type of question.  "Why do you think you haven't heard from Bob?"  Oh my God.  Like I can get into Bob's head and know the answer to that.  I wish.  And you know, I really was looking for an excuse to obsess about why a guy hasn't called me, so thanks so much for bringing it up!  On this, there are, I think, 5 basic ways you can go.  First, you can go for the "woe is me" response.  You can say something like "Probably because I am .... <too fat, too ugly, have too many zits, too stupid, not stupid enough, flat chested, uninteresting, too needy, not needy enough, a loser, etc., etc., etc.>"  Best accompanied by crying.  Next is the make excuses for Bob route.  This goes something like:  "Well, I know he really likes me, but he's really busy with his ... <job, apartment, house, car, puppy, wife, toilet brush, etc., etc., etc.>"  By the way, if you use either of these first 2 answers, don't fool yourself into thinking either is true.  Bob not calling you is about Bob, not you (I can dish out advice, just not take it), and nobody is so busy that they can't make a quick phone call or ship off an email, unless there's been a death in the family or something, and even then, if they were really into you, they'd probably still call.  Next, you could go for the Bob's an idiot response.  You say:  "Because Bob's an idiot.  What other excuse is there for not contacting fabulous me?"  This is certainly more true than either option 1 or 2.  Or, you can go for the simple, honest response "I don't know" (boring).  Or, you can go for the simple, really honest response: "I guess he's just not that into me".  That's my favourite.  There is no shame in saying that.  It might hurt, especially if you have to say it alot, but it can also be therapeutic.
5. Here's a good one.  "Did you have sex with him?"  The correct response is "None of your business."  But, really, you might as well have some fun with this one.  Say something like "Of course.  We did it all night long.  The earth moved.  He rocked my world.  I rocked his world.  We did stuff I didn't even know people did.  He looked pretty hot in my underwear.  Too bad I can't remember his name.  Do you want to see the pictures?"  You know, on reflection, what is actually kind of funny about this response is that, although I've never used it, I could use it, and it would be true (except the underwear thing -- that hasn't happened yet, and, oh, yeah, I do remember his name.  Unfortunately I deleted the pictures.  I don't know what I was thinking).  Of course, you can always go for the simple "yes" or "no", but where's the fun in that?

• If you have sex with someone on the first date, you are unlikely to see them again
• There are some rare exceptions to this rule, most notably the "friend with benefits" situation, however, don't expect those exceptions to happen to you
• If you like someone, and want to see them again, don't have sex with them on the first date.  However, keep in mind that if you met them on the internet, they are probably just looking for sex, and you might not see them again anyway.
• If you don't really care whether you see the person again, but like them well enough to have sex with them, go ahead and do that on the first date.  It does not make you a slut.  But be safe.
• If you like someone well enough to see them a second time, it might be really, really hard to wait for the third date.  This is ok.  It does not make you a slut.  However, it does not mean you will be guaranteed a third date or future sex.
• Even if you wait until the third date to have sex, you still might not see the person again.
• All of which can be summed up with:  There are no guarantees, no matter how long you wait.

Bottom line:  go easy on yourself, don't worry too much about the rules, and be safe.

1. Can be a huge time waster.  Hours can easily go by while you are chatting with someone.  Now, if you're having a good chat, this is not necessarily a waste of time, but you can get sucked into wasting time chatting with someone when you'd really rather be doing something else.
2. The dangerous build up of the online personality.  People can, and frequently do, behave differently online than they do in person.  The honest ones will tell you upfront what they are like in person, so at least you know what to expect.  But most people don't do this.

Beware the online chat.  Do you want to meet people for real, or sit at computer typing to them?  Think about it.