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August 14 The NerveOver a year ago, I had a very small crush on someone at work. Nothing major. I didn't know him well -- maybe had a few hallway chats. In retrospect, I'm not sure why I even had the crush. Anyway, emboldened by something, I have no real idea what, I decided to ask him out. For weeks I thought about it, and then finally sent him an email (no way I would do that in person). It took him a few days to respond. His response was a long, rambling thing that didn't make much sense to me other than the ultimate message being "thanks but no thanks". For whatever reason, it didn't really phase me much. I guess I hadn't expected a yes. I found the internet dating scene, moved on and never thought about him again. We work in distinctly different parts of the building, so I hadn't seen him since sending that email.
Last night, I took the kids to Dairy Queen. He was in front of me in line. I wouldn't have even noticed, but he turned around and said hi to me. I said "hi" back. He was with a young girl. Possibly his daughter. As luck would have it, Valerie chose our table -- the one right next to his. I felt as though I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn't. I was acutely aware of his presence, but not embarrassed.
I have learned one thing about dating since then that I believe to be absolutely true, even though it seems old fashioned and sexist. Things work out better if you let the guy approach you. There is some fundamental law of nature that says that men like to hunt. Trying to mess with that law doesn't very often provide good results.
I guess that just makes dating that much tougher if you're a gay man. June 29 Your LeagueThe other day, in discussions with my friend Martin about a certain volleyball playing someone, Martin advised me to approach that someone. I responded that no, I wouldn't do that, because he's out of my league. Martin seemed quite puzzled by this (bless him).
But the truth is, we all have a league really. When you look at couples, they are generally quite well matched, looks-wise. When they aren't, you really notice it because it is unusual.
In high school, I didn't really have boyfriends. Most of my friends had steady boyfriends. I hated not having a boyfriend. It made me feel inferior. I would wonder why they could get a guy and I couldn't. They weren't prettier, or more fun to be around, or "better" in any discernable way. It's amazing to me that I only recently figured this out. The truth is, I wouldn't have dated any of the guys that my friends dated. I didn't consider them good enough, in some way. It sounds really horrible, saying that out loud. But when it comes right down to it, I would have had a boyfriend if I had been interested in going out with any of the guys that liked me.
It's funny how that hasn't changed for me. Nobody I've met in the past year and a half has been good enough. The one thing that I've had in common with the guys I've spent my time with in the last year or so: we're both looking for somebody better. Maybe we're looking in the wrong league. But truthfully, if the guys that have shown an interest in me are indicative of the league I'm in, I just don't want to play anymore. June 05 The Rules of RejectionI believe that human beings want to be found attractive to members of their preferred gender. Although intellectually we might feel like this is an outdated, old fashioned feeling and we should be able to overcome it (after all, who really cares if a man finds me attractive), I think it's simply genetic. A leftover from cave days that ensures procreation and survival of your particular gene pool.
It occurs to me that where relationships are concerned, I'd rather be rejected because of my personality than looks. I'd prefer that someone thinks I'm too smart, not smart enough, too bitchy, too shy, whatever, to have a relationship with, rather than they assess me as not attractive enough. Somehow, for me, I would be able to take that a lot less personally. For a long time, I couldn't really understand why. After all, attraction is fairly individual as well. There are plenty of people out there that I don't find attractive, who are nonetheless found attractive by others.
And the other night, as I was falling asleep on the couch, it came to me. It bothers me more to be rejected because of a lack of attraction because in that rejection, I simply can't argue. If someone thinks I'm not smart enough, I can chalk that up to a defect in them. But if they think I'm not pretty enough, I guess I secretly agree with them. I don't have the confidence in that particular area to dismiss their claim as a defect in them.
Where does confidence come from anyway? I suppose to some extent it comes from praise from parents, teachers, bosses, friends. It comes from succeeding in a particularly area, and knowing that you can succeed again. And conversely, the lack of confidence can come from the same sources. I actually remember the day that I lost confidence in my appearance. I was 14. I was an athlete. I played all kinds of sports, but excelled at basketball. I loved the game. One day, the coach was calling girls from the team into her office. I noticed that she was calling in the girls that I considered to be the best players on the team. I hoped I would be among those granted an audience with her. And sure enough, I was. Only to find out that she was not calling in the best players on the team but the girls that she thought had a weight problem (although, it is kind of an interesting coincidence that all the "fat girls" were also the best players on the team). She wanted to "help". I remember being shocked and humiliated. I was never under any illusions that I was thin. I recognized that I was bigger than other girls, but a weight problem? I didn't think so. I was crazily active, and my mom cooked healthy meals. I didn't worry excessively about my size. After that day, I guess I just accepted as truth that I was fat. I had no evidence to the contrary. I was so embarrassed that for a long time, I didn't tell anyone what she had said. Eventually, I told my mom, who was livid. She wanted to go to the school and give the teacher a piece of her mind. Of course, in my 14 year old brain, that would have made things even worse. I talked her out of it.
By this point the damage had been done anyway. I wonder if this woman ever considered that in her desire to help, she actually helped create the very thing she felt was so important to prevent.
To this day, I actually still hate that woman. Childish perhaps, but there it is, and I'm no longer ashamed to admit it. And so, over 20 years later, I offer this (with a nod to George Takei in the William Shatner Roast):
Fuck you, Marilyn Bromley, and the horse you rode in on!! April 26 Success StoriesBecause I am actually an eternal optimist, I like to publicize dating, especially online dating, success stories here. So, a big shout out to Serdic who has met someone online and now has a girlfriend!! And a wave to the Singer -- I look forward to meeting you.
The funny thing about this one is that I'm (almost) as excited as if it had happened to me. I've only met Serdic in person a few times, but I know him well enough to know he's awesome.
As for myself, I find that I have lost interest in the whole dating scene. I think, in part, it's because after so many letdowns, it becomes less attractive, less fun, to put myself out there. I'm tired of meeting the guys that just want sex, the guys that aren't all that bright, and worst of all, the guys that are pretty decent but are hung up on someone else and don't find me quite good enough to give them a reason to move on. I try not to take it personally. But, after a while, it's difficult. It becomes personal. Because the truth of the matter is, the only common element in all these scenarios is me. April 24 More Wisdom From POFHere's a little gem from some guy's online dating profile.
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her." Now that's a lovely saying. I actually believe that. People become beautiful to us when we know them. Physical attraction is important, no doubt, but if we're smart we recognize the real beauty in people. And that's not settling. That's maturity.
That quote would have been so much more meaningful if it hadn't been preceeded by this statement in his profile: "It would be nice if she is as beautiful physically as she is emotionally." April 23 5 MinutesApparently last night I came down with a case of temporary stupidity, since for reasons I still can't explain, I decided to un-hide my profile on POF. About 5 minutes was all I needed to remind me why I had hidden my profile in the first place, and to scurry back into hiding.
Here's the message I got:
Hi there care 2 chat and C what happens?
It's amazing how one little sentence can arouse both my ire and make me just want to curl up in a little hole somewhere. There are just so many things wrong with that sentence that I don't even know where to begin. Let me start by addressing the abbreviations. I hate this stupid internet habit of abbreviating every word in the English language. What, in the name of all that is holy, is the point of abbreviating a two letter word? Or a three letter word? Why must we replace "to" with "2" and you with "U" and "see" with "C". Especially in an email. It's not like you're paying by the keystroke here people. This isn't a text message. This isn't even a freaking instant message where maybe you're trying to type quickly (although I'd hazard a guess that anybody that can actually type can probably peck out "t" "o" faster than "2" since the location of the numerals on the keyboard is slightly harder to get to without screwing up). I'm willing to concede certain things. When instant messaging, I have given up on capitalization. Slows me down. Abbreviations for phrases: lol, brb, lmao -- no problem. Those are almost like words in the instant messaging language. But "2", "C", "U", "NE1" just really irritate me. It's laziness. And don't even get me started on the stupid emoticon thingies that replace every instance of the two letter sequence "OK" with some flaming, rainbow, sparkling icon. So now when you type "look" or "cook" half the word is unreadable.
But I digress. Do you think that this BUDA (Butt Ugly Dumb Ass for those of you that might not have read my previous rants on the subject) actually read my profile? Did he see that I wrote in complete sentences, using capitalization, no abbreviations and no stupid smileys? Did he notice that I talked about my love of writing? Apparently not. Either that, or he is actually just clueless, because really, do you think the way to impress someone who considers themselves a writer is with a sentence like "Hi there care 2 chat and C what happens?" And then there's the matter of his profile. Which is written in all caps. I really don't want to correspond with someone who isn't internet savvy enough to know THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO YELL AT PEOPLE! And apparently one of the highlights this guy thought he should share with us is the fact that he has 24 tattoos. I have no problem with tattoos. I have some tattoos myself. I like tattoos on guys. I would certainly not rule out dating someone based on the absence or presence of tattoos (even 24 of them) on their body. But if you feel the need to write in your profile that you have 24 tattoos, I can't help but think there is something missing in your life. Like brain cells.
Originally, I went back into hiding. But I got to thinking. Having a dating profile visible increases blog traffic. So instead of hiding, I've now set up the messaging restrictions on my profile such that pretty much no one can contact me. I wonder why I didn't think of this before.
 April 12 Panty DroppersI thought maybe I'd give you 30 something single males out there a little advice on getting into a woman's pants. Not that there are many 30 something single males that read my blog, which just pisses me off, where are you all anyway???
But, I digress. So, here it is. First of all, a little background on the psyche of the 30 something female. Many 30 something females will have children. Almost all will have had some previous relationship in which she was treated like garbage. That is to say, there is baggage. There might be a certain fragility, feelings that are easily hurt, a little bit of uncertainty. You need to be willing to deal with this.
So, here are (in my humble opinion) the top 10 panty droppers. Now, of course, some panties are higher security than others. Your mileage may vary. And that's not to say that I advocate just trying to get into a woman's pants. You should revere her for the unique and beautiful creature that she is.
10. You smell good. Do not underestimate the power of a decent cologne.
9. You bring flowers. Ya ya, you think flowers are stupid. Women do not.
8. You offer to pay. Superficial? Old-fashioned? Yup. Suck it up.
7. You say "yes, I'd like to go to that <opera | chick-band concert | some other lame crap you really don't want to do> with you."
6. You call when you say you will.
5. You call even if you didn't say you would.
4. You pet her cats and don't whine about <the cat hair | your allergies | how cats are stupid>.
3. You put the toilet seat down.
2. You show an interest in the lives of her children.
1. You say, with conviction, "I like chick flicks."
Now, if you will actually do all these things just to get laid, you are a loser and don't deserve to be reading my wisdom, let alone the dropping of anyone's panties. Get used to the company of your own hand.
Chances are, if you're actually willing do all these things, then you might really be into her. And if that's the case, well done. Here's hoping you get some. March 29 Farting Higher Than Your HoleMy mom has this expression: "she's trying to fart higher than her hole" that she uses when people are being "uppity". Since I personally do a lot of thinking about the concept of self-worth and the act of settling for less than one deserves, I finally got around to thinking about those that perhaps have an overblown sense of self-worth. And I was reminded of this farting higher than your hole thing.
I don't advocate settling. I don't think anyone should settle for less than they truly believe they deserve. Whether that's in a career, a mate, whatever.
But here's the thing. Some of you out there, who are alone because you don't want to "settle" (which may include me for all I know) ... well, actually, perhaps you need to get a grip on the reality that is you. No doubt you've had opportunities with awesome people but didn't pursue them because of some characteristic (too fat, too short, blah blah blah) that this person possessed that made you think you'd be settling. There's got to be somebody better out there. In the meantime, you pine after "the one that got away" because he/she was "perfect". Newsflash. If she/he got away, that means that he/she DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Therefore, by definition, he/she is not perfect. On the other hand, maybe they are. Too perfect for you obviously. They weren't willing to settle FOR YOU!!
In the end, there's a whole bunch of single people out there looking for somebody better than the person they're with, or have the opportunity to be with. A whole whackload of people trying to fart higher than their holes. Sad really.
So I think, if you've lost hope of finding someone to love you, and finding someone to love, maybe you need to be looking at yourself. Try to bring your farts back in line with your hole. Maybe you don't deserve what you think you deserve. Maybe you don't even deserve what you can get but ultimately reject. March 25 What's the Worst That Could Happen?Serdic's guest blog got me thinking. I don't want to be single forever. What "single" means is open to interpretation -- by not single I don't necessarily mean married, or living with someone full time. But I would like to have a partner. A person I could identify as my boyfriend. Somebody who actually wants that label.
Many days, I don't think it will happen. I'm sure that there is no one out there for me. Many other days, I'm sure there is a person out there for me and it's just a matter of finding him. I no doubt need to find myself first.
So, I asked myself. What's the worst that could happen? As it turns out, this is it. I could be alone, just like I am right now. Alone in a quiet house.
At times, that seems almost appealing. I can do what I want. Watch whatever movie I want, write endless blogs, have a bath, eat what I want to eat, sleep when I want, take all the covers.
If it's so great, this being alone, I just don't know why it is leaving me with that sick feeling in my stomach. Maybe because it's Sunday. March 20 A Second Chance: WDDD?For those of you that actually care -- I didn't go out with buddy. In the end, the reason had not much to do with his being late the first time, but with my sense that he wasn't really interested in anything more than sex. Sending me a picture of your dick is instant disqualification. That and I found him strangely manipulative, and in the end, it was pretty clear that neither of us was really all that interested.
Block/delete/remove from hotmail contacts.
Next. Although, I have also hidden my POF profile, so where the next candidate might come from, I do not know. I take recommendations though
 . When you're irritated by the people that contact you, you know it's time to hang it up, at least for a little while.Movie quote time: Hit my dinger and hung 'em up. WWJD and Martin are tied at 10000 internet points each ... March 15 A Second Chance?So, apparently buddy did not die in a fire. He explained today that he got held up in a meeting, tried to call but had apparently copied my number down wrong, and showed up an hour late to find out I had left 15 minutes earlier.
He wants to try again.
So, what do you all think? Not that it will influence my decision, but I'm really interested in what y'all would do (step up Tuckle), and I've always wanted to get a stupid blog poll to actually work! March 14 You Get What You DeserveThe theme of my crew of Dr. Phils lately has been whether I settle for less than I deserve, as far as relationships go (a resounding yes in their opinions). I've been thinking about this for a long time now. And the other night, during a phone conversation with a friend, he said "I guess I got what I deserved" in reference to a failed relationship. Perhaps.
But then again, how do you know exactly what you deserve? And don't we all settle, a little bit at least, for the sake of not being alone? I suppose we'd all like to call it compromising, but when it comes right down to it, all people have traits that we hate and we choose to put up with them, either because the good outweighs the bad, or simply just for the sake of not being alone. I'd like to think I know what I want in a partner. In fact, I've written it here in the past. And then let in people who don't meet the entry criteria. All for the sake of not being alone.
It's interesting, one of the criteria some of my friends have used in boyfriend/husband selection is "he makes me feel beautiful". I happen to think that someone else making you feel beautiful is an impossibility. He might think you're beautiful, tell you you're beautiful, but to make you feel it? For me, if I don't know my own beauty, inherently, there's nothing a guy could do to make me believe in its existence. I'd always think he was just being nice. And that type of relationship is doomed to failure, because it's fraught with frustration.
I continue to believe that I won't attract the type of person I want to be with until I am the type of person I want to be. When the soul is ready, the partner appears. Unfortunately, it's a long, possibly endless, journey and it's hard to go it alone. Every now and then, you want somebody real to touch you, and yes, sometimes that means compromising. Because sometimes you can close your eyes and pretend it's what you want, and if you're really lucky, you won't scar your soul in the process. Although, I've found the soul is a remarkably resilient thing.
There are some things I know that I want, the things I miss the most. I don't know when or if these things will happen, in spite of all kinds of personal guarantees from the Dr. Phils. Call me cynical.
I want somebody to kiss me. I want to hold hands. I want dance with someone. I want somebody to look at me and smile. Simple things, on the surface, but complicated if you want them to be real.
And once again, I think I will go work on my house and forget about it (another movie quote by the way, you up for it WWJD?) March 13 Voting HistoryOne of the features of POF is that you can submit your photo for rating. Why people would do this is beyond me, but hey, whatever. Another feature therefore, is that you can see a person's voting history.
I just LOVE looking at voting histories. 99% of the time, when looking at a guy's voting history it will be as expected (thin, big tits, your basic nightmare -- bonus points if you can identify the movie from which this quote is taken). But every now and then, you'll see something a little different. You'll see guys that vote for chubby girls. Or old people. Or, most interesting of all, other guys. That's one I can't quite figure out. Are these guys your friends or what? You're on a dating site, claiming to be straight, and rating the pictures of other guys. Fascinating.
Myself, I have only rated a picture once. And I have never submitted my picture for rating. Dating is confidence shaking enough with subjecting yourself to any further abuse. February 15 WeirdosWhen I first started putting profiles on online dating sites, close to a year ago now, I was contacted by this guy. He was very complimentary of my looks and stuff. He wanted to meet. For his part, his profile didn't say anything and he didn't have a picture. I told him I'd rather know a little bit about him and see a picture before we met. So he sent me a picture (he was ok looking) and told me to ask him any questions I had. I sent him an email with a bunch of questions. Rather than answering the questions, he responded to something to the effect of "those are all great questions, let's meet so I can answer them." Being rather new the dating in general, not to mention online dating, I agree to meet the guy. We don't set an actual date or anything, but I say I'll meet him. But after a while, I start to get kind of a weird feeling about the whole thing, so I just let it go. Didn't contact him again. A little while later, he sends me another email asking when we're going to meet. I write back, telling him I'm just not comfortable meeting at this time. That seems to be the end of it. Then about a week later, I get this completely rude email from him just blasting me for not responding to his emails. I mean, this thing was over the top. I thought about responding to it, but basically figured it wasn't worth the typing effort. A week later, I get the EXACT SAME email from him again. I'm thinking maybe the guy has a cron job set up or something. I can't remember whether I responded or not.
Anyway, shortly thereafter, I decided to do a little social experiment. I deleted my profile, set up another one with better pictures and a much better description and waited to see what would happen. Sure enough, same guy contacts me again. I, for reasons I can't even fathom, decide to give him another chance. So I try to engage him in conversation. He just goes on about how good I look to him and wants to know what I think of his looks (not much, but how do you say that to someone?) Of course, he wants to meet. So I tell him, look, I just don't think this would work out, and to be honest, I'm still kinda weirded out by the angry emails you sent last time. Pretty much don't hear from him again.
Yesterday, I get emails from some guy on POF. Different username, no picture. He sends me a picture. Same guy as discussed above. WTF is with people? I engage the ignore shield. Today he sends another email. Wants to know if I got the picture. I reply, saying yes I did, and I don't think that this is anymore likely to work out than it was the previous 2 times he contacted me.
Get this. This time the guy responds to me. "Ok fine. Take off and leave me alone. I am dating a lovely woman."
Once again, I have to ask, WTF???????????
I have met, in person, a fairly large number of people from online dating sites. Over 30 for sure. Most of them have been decent people. In most cases we just weren't suited to each other. I met P online. He's a great guy. I had lots of fun with him. Sometimes I still miss him. Gotta get my ass to Ireland ... but I digress. I met D online and I now consider him a really good friend. For those 2 reasons alone, the whole online rollercoaster has been worthwhile. Of all those 30+ people that I actually met, only one has been a complete and total asshole. Just a vile, vile human being. In fact so vile, that for the first time ever, I was actually tempted to report someone on an online dating site to have their account deleted. In the end, I couldn't be bothered. I think the universe usually ends up giving people what they deserve.
In addition to all the people I've met in person, I've chatted with, either on MSN or on the phone, at least double that many people. Over 90% of them end up blocked and deleted because they are dumbasses in one way or another. But once again, a few seem like pretty good guys. Take t00nCiNaToR for example (Hi!!!!) Haven't met him, but he seems like a good person. And you can get a vibe online, especially when you've been doing this for a while.
But man, it sure can be tough wading through the weirdos sometimes. January 30 She's Not Pretty, She Just Looks That WayI might possibly be the only person that remembers the Northern Pikes.
Anyhow... I've been thinking about beauty. Dating is a very looks-based endeavour; online dating perhaps more so than traditional dating, because the inclination is to reject someone outright based on a picture. For those of us that take a bad picture, this can be quite problematic. I feel ever so slightly hypocritical about what I'm about to say, since I'm certainly guilty of judging people on appearances myself. But really, how important should physical beauty be in choosing a partner? I'm not suggesting that people deny that there needs to be an attraction, because there does. But sometimes, in fact, often, the majority of that attraction comes from the ability to connect with someone, emotionally or intellectually. At least that's the case for me (but maybe that's just a woman thing). I know that there are certain physical characteristics that tend to attract me to a man (being tall for example; I don't just mean taller than me, but tall). At the same time, it's not really that important. Being tall does not make a person more interesting, smarter or funnier. It just makes them tall.
It's a dangerous game, putting a great deal of emphasis on physical beauty. It is such a changeable thing. People with hot bodies get fat. People age, get wrinkles, grey hair, ear hair, back hair, nose hair, no hair ... you get the picture. So what happens then? What happens if suddenly, you wake up one day and find this person that you used to think was so beautiful just isn't so hot anymore? Do you reject them and start again? And on the other side of the coin -- fat people get thin, people with limited attractive qualities have surgery or learn makeup and clothing techniques to improve their appearance. And let me tell you something people who have struggled with their appearance (and I don't mean these dumbass "oh I'm so fat" size 10 chickies, I mean people who have really struggled with fitting into society's mold and somehow survived this, and, at least in some way, accepted themselves). These are some of the most interesting, compassionate and funny people you will ever meet. They have had to overcome challenges that have honed their sense of humour, their ability to laugh at themselves, their empathy for others. These are people that have developed a certain strength of will that serves them well in many areas of their lives.
It's a recipe for being alone methinks, this search for perfection. And if you'd rather be alone than be with someone that doesn't measure up to your standard of physical beauty then I hope you get used to your own company. Because the chances of you finding someone who is beautiful, intelligent, has a sense of humour, is good in the sack (come on, it's important!), can carry on a conversation, gets along with your friends and family, AND, most importantly, who thinks that YOU are actually a good catch has got to be, statistically speaking, a long shot.
Too bad we couldn't learn to judge a person's real beauty, not just the wrapper. An interesting kind of blindness we all suffer from. January 22 Let's ReviewIt's been a long time since I've waxed philosophical on my favourite topic of all time. Recent events, both in my own life, and apparently in the lives of others, based on some conversations I've had, have made me believe that we would all benefit from a review. So, just let me say:
He/She Is Just Not That Into You
He/she is just not that into if:
I know we would all rather believe that people are too busy, too stressed, too scared of our brilliance and beauty, and too whatever else to really give us what we want. However, chances are, this is not true. Chances are, what is true is that HE/SHE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO US. Yep, people are busy, stressed and scared. But, if somebody is really into you, nothing will stand in the way of them letting you know. Especially if that person knows you are into them. I'm not sure why we want to believe that these people really are, deep down inside, actually into us, and some great force is keeping them from acting on that feeling. Perhaps we believe that if they are not into us, it is somehow our own fault. And maybe it is. Maybe we are ugly, smell bad, and have horrible personalities. If so, it might be time to evaluate and change what can realistically be changed (but I'm willing to put money on the fact that even if we did change, that same person still wouldn't be into us). On the other hand, maybe it is some inherent flaw in his/her brain that prevents him/her from recognizing our greatness. In which case, we would be wise to waste no more emotional energy on him/her. Don't waste the pretty. Oh, and by the way, this entire rant falls under the caveat of "do as I say, not as I do." January 18 The Boyfriend MagnetPOF, with all it's ads (hey, they have to do something to keep the service free), offers up The Boyfriend Magnet. This is quite possibly the only link I've ever clicked on from POF.
I am soooooo tempted to spend the $20 to find out what wisdom this guy has to offer. Partly just because I want to make fun of it.
Will I be able to resist? January 17 The Waiting is the Hardest PartI guess I'm dating myself (pun not really intended) with the title (Tom Petty y'all).
Anyway, was sort of discussing with Serdic (via comments on his blog) the online dating scene. I decided to quote to him something I read on some guy's profile:
When the soul is ready, the partner appears
I liked the sound of it. Sort of along the lines of the famous cliche - when you stop wanting something, it will appear. Sort of zen I guess. Serdic's response: what if I'm waiting for someone else's soul to be ready? Good point.
In a way, dating is all about waiting. Waiting to find the right one, waiting for responses, waiting for a call. Waiting for anything is hard. Takes me back to my childhood. How two weeks might as well have been a year (now two weeks might as well be two minutes -- funny how much faster time seems to pass as you get older).
I don't know if my soul is ready. I know it's closer to being ready now that it has ever been.
January 04 AverageIn reading online dating profiles, I see a lot of guys describe themselves as "average" and "simple". Average usually to describe their looks and simple to describe their personality.
I don't want to be with someone that describes themselves as average or simple. Especially simple. Simple to me sounds boring. People shouldn't be simple. Most aren't, even though they tend to describe themselves that way. And even if you think you're average looking, there must be something about your looks that stand out. Maybe you have beautiful eyes, nice hair, great teeth, I dunno, but there's gotta be something.
This leads me to wondering about "hotness". There's a website, HOT or NOT, where you can throw up a picture and have people rate your hotness on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being hot). I once dated a guy that was rated a 9.6. I'd have to agree with his rating
 . I've been scrolling through, looking at people, trying to figure out what the world thinks is hot. Is it about your face, your body, both? For me, it's more about a person's face and personality (although you can't rate that on HOT or NOT). But, I'm still confused. Recently, a male friend of mine pointed out a couple of women he thought were hot. I was stunned. I would not have given either of these women any better than average in the hotness department. It seems to me, from talking to my friend, and from looking at the ratings of women on HOT or NOT that hotness for women has more to do with the body.So what do you think? What makes a person hot? December 30 SexualityI might be going way out on a limb on this one, knowing that my blog readership includes my immediate family, but it's spinning in my head, and part of the reason I do this (blogging) is to know that I'm not alone and to help other people know that they're not alone either. So here it is.
I have a high sex drive. Part of it is a function of my age I'm sure, but still, I've had a high sex drive for as long as I can remember. I could never understand people that were tired of having sex, or people who said women weren't interested in sex. I feel better when I'm having sex on a regular basis (endorphins and all). Now, I suppose regular is open to interpretation, but I'll go ahead and tell you that if I had access to a man all the time, I would be wanting sex at least once a day. Maybe the novelty would wear off after a while. Who knows. Anyway ... hey, maybe that will have them lining up at my door!
My marriage did not exactly meet my needs for sex (for reasons that are now obvious). It never have occurred to me to go outside the marriage for sex. Well, maybe it occurred to me, but I didn't do it. Had I stayed married, who knows I suppose. Anything could happen. I remember one of the first thoughts that went through my mind when A told me he was gay and we decided to separate was "oh my God I will never have sex again."
As it turns out, with Ye Olde Internet, it is not at all difficult to find acceptable sexual partners. I still believe that if you so desire you could have sex with a different guy every night of the week for several weeks just by hanging out online.
But, I do not desire sex with a different guy every night (although I do understand some of the excitement of having sex with relative strangers, but safety concerns kind of outweigh the excitement). I desire sex with the same partner on an on-going basis. I think that sex gets better when you get to know somebody. And well, yes, it is not necessary to like somebody to have sex with them, for a woman anyway, it sure helps.
I've managed to find a couple of ongoing partners. Lovers, my naturopath calls them. Serial monogamy if you like.
The first relationship ended a while back because he moved. The second ended recently because he's in love (not with me obviously). And in the universe's unique way of presenting interesting opportunities with impeccable timing, it turns out that guy number one has moved back. And he has a high sex drive too.
"So what are you going on about then?" my dear readers are asking themselves. "The timing couldn't be better".
My difficulty is this. Ultimately, I want a real relationship. Something with the possibility of a future together. I know that this will not happen with guy number one. I also know that when I like somebody enough to have sex with them on a regular basis (as I do with him), I run the serious risk of becoming attached to them in some way. It's the female equates sex with love syndrome.
So, do I jump in, take the endorphin release and do the mental toughening up exercises to stay emotionally detached, or do I wait for a real relationship, and in the meantime be irritable because I'm not getting any (and don't tell me to use toys. I have toys. It is not the same. It's not just about sexual release, it's about the physical closeness that comes from being with another person). And let's be realistic, a real relationship could be a long time coming. Possibly never.
In the end, this whole monologue is for naught, because I know what I'm going to do. But I guess it had to be said. |
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