I've lost 70 pounds.  This is more than my almost 7 year old daughter weighs.  I'm at a size now that is probably about the smallest I remember being in my adult life.  I was around this size when I finished university and started working.  The difficulty I'm having is that I don't really know what's after this.  I don't really remember being smaller than this, so it's kind of unknown territory.  But, I know that I want to be smaller than this.

 

This weight loss has had a huge impact on my activity level.  I was always reasonably active, but this just allows me to do so much more.  I am at the front of the pack in the training walks for the Weekend, whereas last year, I would have been near the back.  I can snowshoe in the Gatineau Hills.  I can get to the ball to make shots I wouldn't have been able to manage before in squash.  And I feel like doing things.  I have a lot more energy.

 

On the down side, the loose skin on my stomach is distressing.  It is soft and hangy and makes it difficult to get clothes that fit.  It's clear that plastic surgery will be required to fix it, and my boobs, which unfortunately, due to a combination of genetics, age and weight loss, point alot more southward than I would like.  I'll be heading out to plastic surgery consultations soon.  Although I don't plan on having the surgery until later in the fall, I want to find out what I'm in for, and I'm hoping that perhaps scheduling the surgery will keep me motivated.

 

Another sort of weird side-effect -- my hair is thinning.  I don't think it's noticeable to anyone but me, but I can definitely feel it.  I've heard people say this is just the aftermath of surgery, so I'm hopeful it won't continue.

 

The weight loss has been pretty steady, averaging about 1.5 pounds a week.  I would like it to be faster, but I know this is a reasonable pace, and am trying to relax about it.  If I keep losing at this rate, I will reach my goal weight, or something very close to it, by the end of the year.

 

Even with this tool, it's not an easy journey.  But I do believe that having the band has made something that was probably impossible for me become possible.  There were times early on when I thought I was crazy for doing this.  But now, I wouldn't change it.  It's probably one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I've lost 60 pounds now.  It took 2 months to lose the last 10 pounds, a result I'm not that happy with to be honest.  I've had some difficulty with getting the right fill level.  I've probably puked more in the last month than I have in my whole life.  But it seems that perhaps now I've reached the so-called "sweet spot".  In fact, 5 of those 10 pounds came off in the last week.

 

This is not easy.  I'm not sure what I expected exactly.  Perhaps there's no way to prepare yourself for the changes you have to make in your life for this to be successful.  My ability to eat can be unpredictable at times.  So far, I haven't really found any food that I can't tolerate at all (for which I am grateful), but I can only eat very, very small quantities.  People see what I bring for lunch at work and laugh.  And sometimes I can't finish all of the small amount I bring.  At dinner time, my portions are smaller than my children's.  It would seem like this would be a good thing, and to a certain extent, it is.  But there's a small amount of regret that goes along with it.  Sometimes, something is good and I just want to eat more of it.  I'll never be able to drink beer or pop again.  On a rare occasion, I've taken a sip of someone else's pop and been overwhelmed by how fizzy it is.  I need to leave it in my mouth for a while to get rid of the fizz before I can swallow it.  Oddly, I've kind of lost the taste for diet coke.  I used to LOVE it.  I recently had a sip of someone's and it tasted odd.  Every now and then I do make a Fresca flat and drink that though.  That's a big treat.  Going to a restaurant is difficult.  I know that I will not be able to finish anything that I order.  It seems like a waste of money.  And I worry that I will end up with something stuck and be uncomfortable for the whole visit.  Of course, the upside of that is that I spend a lot less money in restaurants.  To some extent, the joy has been taken out of eating.  The challenge for me is to find some joy in this new way of eating.

 

On the upside.  I'm 60 pounds lighter.  I'm down 5 pants sizes.  I sometimes shop in "normal" stores.  My rings are spinning around my fingers.  The reactions of my family (most of whom hadn't seen me in several months) at Christmas were overwhelming.  That felt really good.  And an interesting thing.  People, strangers even, seem to be nicer.  More people smile and say hello to me than before.  Is it simply because I'm thinner, or am I projecting an image of being more approachable without being aware of it?  I'm not sure.

 

I still have a long way to go before I reach my goal weight (fully recognizing that I might adjust my goal weight as my body changes.  I'm not excessively concerned with a number on a scale, but more with how I look and feel).  In fact, I'm not even half way there.  But I can see the possibility.  A destination that seemed unreachable before now is within sight.

As of today, I have lost 50 pounds.  My 6 and a half year old daughter weighs 50 lbs.  So, I have lost the equivalent of a small child.  This helps me put into perspective the magnitude of this accomplishment.

 

I had my second fill on Wednesday and immediately noticed a big difference in the quantity and types of food I could eat.  I think it's loosening up a bit now, but I still cannot eat much.  It's a weird feeling.  It's not the same as when you eat a lot and feel really full.  This is actually a more uncomfortable feeling, as though the food will crawl back up your throat.  It took me a couple of days to recognize where that point was and stop eating before I hit it.

 

I often still find myself at a loss.  Wondering what to do now, since eating isn't really an option.  It's like there's a mourning period.  I want to eat more and feel sorry for myself because I can't.  I have read stories from other "bandsters" who say that they no longer obsess about food, and that it doesn't rule their life.  I still don't understand how that happens, but I hope it will happen to me.  Right now, I feel just as obsessed and guilty about food as I always did.  Sometimes more so.  I'm hoping that will fade.  Old habits do die hard after all.  I had laser surgery on my eyes almost a year ago and at least twice a week I still think I need to take out my contact lenses before I go to sleep.  20 years of habit doesn't go away in a few months.

A few people have expressed interest in how the lap-band works, so I'm posting a picture.

 

 

The band is placed around the top part of the stomach, creating a small pouch at the opening to the stomach.  The receptors for fullness are in this part of the stomach, so filling this small pouch makes the brain believe you are full, and of course, food will come up if you eat too much since that is the easiest route.  The access port, shown at the top right part of the screen is placed underneath the skin.  Mine is about 8 inches above my bellybutton.  You can feel it, but not really see it (although in some people, there is a visible lump under the skin).  A fill, or adjustment, is when saline is injected into the band through this port to tighten the band and slow the movement of food from the small pouch into the rest of the stomach.  By way of example, the surgeon put the band around my thumb and injected it with saline.  It squeezed my thumb pretty tightly so you can see how much it can restrict the passage of food.  So, no, I don't need to be opened up again to have the adjustments done.

 

Most people don't notice a significant difference in the quantity of foods they can eat until after they have some fill.  Sometimes it takes many adjustments.  I'm hoping it doesn't take too long for me.

 

I feel obliged to mention that it is raining really hard outside.

 

I thought I'd post a status update on the banding situation for those of you that are interested.  I have lost 22 lbs since beginning the pre-op diet 5 weeks ago, and 43.5 lbs from my heighest weight.

 

It is getting tougher now -- I could probably eat as much as I wanted, as long as I eat slowly and chew well.  I have to tell myself to stop.  This turns out to not be so much of a problem because I'm eating so slowly that the person I'm eating with is usually finished and decides to eat the rest of my meal for me.  If I don't eat slowly and chew well, I get a very painful reminder as food gets stuck at the band.  I walk around while the food decides whether to go down or come up.  So far, nothing has come up.  I've not yet found any food that I can't tolerate, although rice is a bit iffy.  I haven't tried some of the common problem foods like white bread and raw fruits and vegetables yet.

I'm getting hungry more frequently now, which means it's time for a fill.  Next Thursday I'll have my first one.  I'm sure that after that, eating will be a new experience.  I am questioning the wisdom of having the fill 2 days before the great turkey deep fry, but I wanted to get it done in enough time before I leave for Shanghai to account for any complications that might result, although I'm not expecting any problems.

 

One interesting side-effect of the surgery has been that I am pretty much always bringing my lunch to work.  Basically, the portions at the cafeteria are just too big and I neither want to overeat or throw food out if I can avoid it.  Same for eating out for dinner.  It used to be a fairly frequent occurence, but this week I've made meals every night.  So I guess I'll have a little extra money in the bank.

 

The thing I miss the most turns out to be pop.  Not even diet coke, but just fizzy stuff in general.  Diet pop was one of the non-food alternatives I used to deal with stress.  It's not really an option anymore and I miss it.  I've tried a couple of times to make some Fresca flat and drink it, but I can't quite get it flat enough.  While it doesn't hurt to drink it, it creates an uncomfortable bloating feeling.  It's also not good for the stomach -- apparently the gas can stretch the pouch, so it's not something I'll do often.  I have yet to find an acceptable substitute.  I don't like iced tea much, water is ok, but doesn't really do it for me, and Crystal Light and those other things you add to your water are quite gross (in my opinion).  I guess I just miss the bubbles.

 

Neither pair of my jeans fits any longer, so I might have to go back to Old Navy and get the ones I tried on a couple weeks ago.

 

So, that's it for this week.  It's going to be a busy weekend with the kids.  We have to transform the yard into a spooky graveyard, not to mention all the indoor Halloween decorations, get the kids' costumes, go to the pumpkin patch, get the turkeys for the deep fry and top it all off with a visit to Saunders Farm, assuming the rain stops by Sunday.  Then there's Serdic & the Singer's housewarming, which I am most looking forward to.  And a trip to the Special Waste Depot to get rid of some of the stuff in garage before the snow flies.  I will get the van in the garage if it's the last thing I do!

 

And in 12 days, I will be 37.

Don't confuse your desire to be cherished with your desire to be thin.

 

Yesterday, I went searching for books that might help me with binge eating, and this was a quote from one of the books (I don't remember which or I would attribute it).  It really resonated with me.

 

For a long time, I have used food as a drug.  I don't care what anyone says, food is the hardest addiction to get over, because you have to eat to live.  And even though I can no longer physically overeat, the addictive behaviour is still there.  I want to binge.  In the past, when I've searched for help, all the books have suggested 12 step type programs and abstinence from trigger foods.  To me, abstinence from any food I like is a recipe for an uncontrolled binge.  What I want to know is how I can eat those trigger foods without triggering a binge.  I believe this is possible.  I just need to figure out how.  I've ordered a couple of books, and once I read through them, I'll post some reviews.

 

I am doing some work on figuring out why I abuse food.  That's why the "desire to be cherished" quote struck such a chord with me.  It is a bitter pill to swallow that at the age of (almost) 37, I don't feel like I've ever been cherished by someone, other than my parents.  I have no recollection of a guy I ever had a crush on liking me back.  The one person who I believe really did love me never chose me as a girlfriend.  Why not?  My ex-husband loved me to the extent that he was capable, but he just wasn't capable of desiring or cherishing me.  Throughout my life, I think I always attributed this failure to be cherished to being fat.  But I think I have that backwards.  I got fat because I never felt cherished.  I ate to numb that pain.  I then chose relationships with people who needed me.  If I couldn't be wanted or loved, at least I could be needed (perhaps I will break into song -- I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, now don't be sad, cause 2 out of 3 ain't bad -- let's play name that tune!).  Relationships with people that need you aren't very productive.  Needy people get annoying after a while.  So I need to eat to dull the annoyance.  And when you think someone is with you just because of what you can give them, you're constantly wondering about their motivation.  There's no trust.  So I need to eat to dull the panic of not trusting.

 

I read a book recently, a novel titled "Back in the Game" about women who were dating again after a divorce.  It turned out that one of the characters in the book was a woman who found out after 25 years of marriage that her husband was gay (I didn't know this when I started reading the book).  She married young and her husband was the only man she had ever had sex with.  The last several years of their marriage were sex-less.  Very similar to my own story.  At one point, she reflects on the fact that she doesn't know what it's like to be truly desired by a man.  It made me cry.  It's not a nice way to feel.

 

I know, in my head, that I have to find a way to cherish and love myself.  That this must come first, before anything else.  For a person who has always looked for external validation, this is very difficult.

 

I am making progress.

Today I decided to go on my semi-annual ironing spree.  I don't much like to iron, and I'm not particularly good at it, so I don't do it often, resulting in cases of clothing that I've only worn once.  So, before spending time ironing stuff that might not fit, I decided to try everything on.  Now, I have always liked clothes, I spend a lot of money on clothes, and I have a lot of clothes.  So there was a lot of stuff to try on.

 

It's a good news/bad news sort of situation.  The good news is that I had few tops that had gotten too small that now fit well.  The other good news is that all of my pants are too big.  The bad news is that I am left with 3 pairs of pants that sort of fit.  They are a little too big, but wearable with belts.  Everything else was much too big.  This is a little bit problematic in that two of the three pairs of wearable pants are jeans.  I can't really wear jeans to work every day.  So I hauled myself off to the mall, on a mission to find pants.  I managed to find one pair of dressy-ish pants and another pair of jeans.  Pants have always been a problem for me because I've always thought that I had a strangely shaped lower body.  Typically, if I find them to fit in the waist, the hips, bum and thighs are huge.  Today, I did something I would never have done before.  I went to try on jeans in a non-plus sized store.  And I found jeans that fit.  In the waist, hips and bum, all at the same time.  So maybe it's the plus-sized jeans that are the problem and not my body.  I didn't buy the jeans, since I really don't need more jeans, but it certainly was an eye-opening experience.

 

I'm hoping that this will be the last time I will have to shop in plus sized stores.  Fingers crossed.

It's been 9 days since my surgery.  Recovery so far has been pretty much as I expected, other than I didn't get to play volleyball this week.  I was perhaps not quite as recovered as I thought.

 

The worst thing so far has been the never ending gas pain.  It is everywhere.  Every day it gets a bit better, but it's still there, lurking.

 

The first thing I realized was how much about eating and food I took for granted.  It is so difficult to slow down.  If I eat or drink anything too quickly, I get the sensation of having swallowed a golf ball.  Even water can cause problems.

Today is my first day on "real" food.  I have moved on to the pureed diet (and not a day too soon, because if I never see another bowl of soup, I don't think I'll be sad).  Today I have feasted on a scrambled egg, a couple of tablespoons of tuna, some mashed potatoes and some delicious baby food squash and pork with vegetables.  I actually find eating real food a bit easier, because I have something do to -- chew.  Liquids are really hard to slow down with because there's no effort involved.  I am looking most forward to pureed turkey this Thanksgiving weekend.

 

I have had moments since the surgery when I've thought "Oh my God, what have I done?"  When sadness or anger or anxiety struck and my first impulse was to eat.  I have taken away my comfort, the companion that didn't judge me, essentially my unconditional love.  This is not going to be easy to get past.  It is no longer possible for me to overeat.  It is no longer possible for me to eat mindlessly.  If I do these things, the food will come back up.  I'm still somewhat at a loss for what to do instead.  I've read 3 or 4 books in as many days.  Done alot of thinking.  A little bit of obsessing.  Some sorting out of things in the house.  Even with my phone phobia, I've picked up the phone once or twice to talk to friends.

 

Results wise, so far it is working.  I've lost 6 pounds since surgery, 19 since I started the liquid diet, and 41 from my heighest weight ever.  All of my pants are too big.  I'm hesitant to buy new ones, so I guess I'll just have to make use of the belts that Britgal and I went shopping for several months back.

 

I'm looking forward to next week.  I think going back to work will be good (I know, who would have thought?) and getting back to volleyball and squash will definitely be good.

All went well, feeling pretty good today.  I'm about to go out grocery shopping.  Yum, Jello!

In about 30 minutes I will leave for the clinic and in about 2 hours, I will be in surgery.  I am not as nervous as I thought I would be, but perhaps that is yet to come.  Wish me luck.

I wonder if it's possible to be mourning the loss of fat?  This probably makes little sense at this point, since the fat will be slow to leave me, but I am walking around the last few days feeling as though I'm about to lose something familiar.  Perhaps it's the loss of a lifestyle, that while self-destructive, served me in some way for many years.

 

I am afraid.  Not really of the surgery, but of what will come after.  I don't know what I'll do when my head fills up with clouds and my jaw clenches and I just want to hurt someone.  Before, I would eat.  In a few days, that will no longer be possible.  I know I need to find a substitute, but unfortunately, the most accessible substitutes are habits I don't want to start.  No matter what anyone says, going for a walk when I feel like numbing myself with food isn't all that great a substitute.  First of all, it requires a fair amount of effort to get up, put on shoes, appropriate clothing and go outside.  And what if my kids are home in bed?  Nothing is quite as easy as grabbing a handful (or two, or three) of something out of the cupboard.  Except maybe cigarettes.  No, I'm not going to start smoking, I'm just trying to make a point.  I need to find something.  Maybe you people will have a whole lot of my ramblings to read, because typing is pretty easy.

 

When I was pregnant with Isaac (who was a very large baby), I got into the habit of putting my hand over my stomach when I would lie down.  Sort of like I was holding him while I slept (which, in retrospect, perhaps set me up for holding the kid 22 hours a day when he was born, but I digress).  Oddly enough, it's a habit I never broke after he was born.  I still find my hand straying to my stomach whenever I lie down.  TOWTP remarked that I looked like Ed Bundy.  I wonder, if when my stomach is not so round, if I'll still feel the urge to do that.

 

I think there are so many things that I will discover when I can no longer use food as a drug.  I am sometimes afraid of what I'll find.  I wonder if I'll be strong enough to handle it all.

I find myself in a down in the dumps sort of mood the last couple of days.  The lack of hunger only lasted one day.  Yesterday it was back with a vengeance.  I am tired of this pre-op diet and I just want to eat real food.  I can't believe there are people who do this for months at a time.

 

Tonight would normally be Criss Angel and pizza night, which come to think of it, actually hasn't happened in probably over a month.  I particularly want pizza today.  Instead, however, it will be grocery shopping night.  I will buy all the yummy essentials for the first 2 post surgery weeks:  chicken broth, sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, juice and cream of something soups.  At least it will be a change of taste.  I am hoping to be able to eat some pureed turkey dinner for Thanksgiving.  Sound horrible, no doubt, but I'm looking forward to it.

 

4 more sleeps till the big day.

Apparently ketosis has finally set in, because today is the first day that I haven't felt ravenous.  My saviour, I think, has been mushrooms.  I have been making huge stir fries with mushrooms, satisfies my need for a meat-like texture.  In fact, tomorrow I think I will get some portobello mushrooms and BBQ them.

 

Today I had the opportunity to meet 3 women who have been banded.  One for a little over a year, one since March and one at the end of July.  It was great to meet people that understand where I'm coming from, to hear their experiences, see their scars and just have real people to answer my questions.  Online support forums are great, but sometimes the human experience is necessary (even for someone like me who will generally avoid dealing with people in person if at all possible).

 

One of the questions that seems to arise frequently among people having weight loss surgery is whether they intend to tell people that they are having the surgery.  There is such a stigma, that the first instinct is often to keep it to yourself.  I, obviously, I have decided to go public.  I've told all of my closest friends and family.  I've not told anyone at work, but not out of any need to hide my choice, but just because there seems to be no reason to tell.  A few people know I'm having surgery, as I will be away from work for a little while, but I didn't mention what kind of surgery, and no one specifically asked.

 

The question people commonly ask is "what do you say when you're losing weight, and people ask how you're doing it."  This causes a problem if you don't want to reveal that you've had surgery because no matter what you say, you'll feel like you're lying.  Often people who want to keep their surgery choice to themselves will say "I'm eating healthier and exercising."  This is not a lie, because to be successful with the band, you need to eat healthy, and exercise sure helps.  But it is an omission.  For myself, I've decided that while I'm not going to volunteer the information, if someone asks, I will be honest.  And the biggest reason for that is this:  as a big person, if I see another big person losing weight and ask them what's behind their success, and hear the "diet and exercise" line for the millionth time, I'm going to feel like a failure all over again.  The band is not solely responsible for the weight loss, but it's a very important part of it.  If I can help another person that feels the way I do by being honest with them, then I'm willing to do that.

This time next week, I will be "banded".  People ask if I'm excited.  I guess I'm as excited as I tend to get about anything, which is not very.  I am however, anxious for the day to arrive, to get on with it and to be that much closer to the end of the Optifast crapola.  I find it difficult to focus on anything else -- I'm always thinking about the surgery, the preparations, wondering how I'll feel afterwards. 

 

The veggies helped with the hunger, but not enough.  Still starving.  It's funny, the games your mind plays.  This morning, I had it in my head that I was done with this pre-op diet.  While I was making my son a fried egg sandwich (with cheese and ketchup) for breakfast, I figured I'd just have one myself.  Or I'd eat his leftovers.  I didn't.  

 

A couple of interesting things I've noticed since starting this Optifast (which I'm not sure are related, but who knows).  First of all, I find although I am averaging about 4 hours sleep a night, I am less tired than I would normally be on that amount of sleep.  And the variety of joint aches that plagued me in the morning when I walked down the stairs (my ankles and knees would be in bad shape, making it necessary for me to take the stairs like toddler) are all but gone.  I've lost about 10 pounds, but I doubt that level weight loss alone could have made this kind of difference.  Perhaps I'm detoxifying?  Anyway, at least there are some good side effects to try to focus on.

 

As the surgery day draws nearer, I find myself wondering and worrying about all kinds of things.  I look at myself naked in the mirror before I get into the shower, wondering how my body will look in 6 months or a year.  I try to re-arrange things, pull the jiggly bits up and around, but it is hard to visualize.  I have no basis for comparison, having been this size or larger for at least the last 10 years, if not longer.  I don't get much opportunity to look at other women naked (and it seems that it would be unfair to compare myself to the digitally and surgically enhanced women in magazines and porn) so I don't really know what a normal woman's body looks like.  I wonder whether the parts of my body that I'm actually happy with today will change for the worse.  Will my boobs get small and saggy?  Will my bum get flat?  I am one of few women in my family not to have a pancake flat bum.  I wonder if I'll need plastic surgery to deal with hanging skin.  My gut tells me yes.

 

Sometimes I think, "oh my God, what have I done?"  I am going to make it impossible to overeat.  Sometimes, there's a joy in eating too much, I think.  That will no longer be possible.  And deep down, there's a fear that maybe this won't work.  Maybe I will sabotage this by eating too much of the high calorie foods that go down easy -- ice cream and milkshakes.  I don't intend to do this, but then, I didn't intend to get to this size either.

One of the unfortunate side effects of lap band surgery is that most people with a lap band are unable to tolerate carbonated beverages.  Apparently the gas gets trapped below the band and can't come out easily, resulting in some pretty bad gas pains.  Those of you who know me know that I am a diet coke addict.  I believe it is a testimony to the level of commitment I've made to this choice that I'm willing to give up one of my favourite things on the planet for it.

 

Not wanting to recover from surgery and go through diet coke withdrawal at the same time, I quit the diet coke a few weeks back.  I'm now in my 4th week without it, and I can finally walk by it at the store and not salivate.  I still miss it, but I no longer crave it.  For the first couple weeks, I found myself not drinking enough, but I've since found some good sugar-free iced teas and stepped up the water consumption.  I believe this is probably the longest that I've ever gone without it.

 

I am into day 6 and still ravenous.  Being at work has made the hunger slightly easier to tolerate I think.  Maybe it has something to do with not being bombarded by the "mommy can I have" questions all day.  I have bought a bunch of green vegetables and some mushrooms with which to make a stir fry tonight.  I'm going to try to actually consume the 225 calorie allowance of vegetables and see if it makes a difference.

 

I've told my kids that I'm having an operation to have my tummy made smaller.  I wanted them to understand why I'm not eating any real food right now and to make them back off my sugar-free popsicles.  Isaac, having no concept of time, asks me every morning if he can see the holes in my belly now.  Yesterday he asked why I was having my tummy made smaller.  I told him so that I wouldn't be able to eat as much so that my body would get smaller.  He gave this some thought and said "so your legs will get smaller too?"  Yep.  Not sure why the concern about my legs.

 

This morning he said to me "mom, when your tummy gets made smaller, you'll still be bigger than us, right?"

 

Hehe.  Kids are cute.  Sometimes

I am still starving.  It is most unpleasant.  I'm so hungry now that when I drink one of those shakes, I actually get pains in my stomach.  The only relief comes when I sleep.  I am not sure when/if this ketosis is going to happen, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out.  Took the kids to the Richmond Fair today (the people who bought my old house have done some nice landscaping) and I thought I wouldn't be able to hold out against the smell of deep-fried-fair-food-on-a-stick.  However, since the admission, ride tickets, rip-off carnival games and deep-fried-fair-food-on-a-stick for my kids cost upwards of $86 (and I'm sure I'm leaving something out), leaving me with about 50 cents in my pocket, there was really no question of me partaking of the deep fried goodness.

 

In other news, my car decided to crap out recently and rather than paying for repairs on an older car, I decided to buy a van.  It's used (2 years old) but a pretty deluxe model Honda Oddessey.  Heated leather seats, power everything, 6 CD changer, moon roof, DVD player with wireless headsets.  Stuff I would have never paid for had I bought new.  It's difficult to get used this kind of luxury in a vehicle.  But I'll manage.  So far, both my ex and TOWTP accuse me of driving it like it's a transport.  I think they should STFU.

 

The other day, I cut my thumb while slicing vegetables.  It felt like I hit bone.  I have so far managed to avoid stitches, so I guess it's not going to fall off.  I am wearing a very pretty blue band-aid on it right now.

I have decided, after much thought, to share with the world (yes, I have grandiose ideas about my readership), what I've decided to do.

 

After a great deal of soul searching and research, I have decided to have weight loss surgery.  I have a number of reasons for finally coming to this decision.  My absolute failure, after close to 20 years of trying, to lose weight permanently in spite of my best efforts.  The fact that while I don't currently have weight related health issues, I can't expect that luck to persist.  I'm tired of the beating that my self-esteem takes every day for feeling like a failure.  But, to be honest, my main reasons are not so noble as to improve my health.  Truth be told, I want to be a hot girl (as much as it's possible for a woman in her late 30s to be a hot girl).  I've never had that experience, and I want it.  I'm tired of my options being limited by my weight. 

 

On September 26th, I will be inToronto to have Laparoscopic Adjustable Gastric Banding, more commonly known as the lap-band.  I'll not describe the entire procedure here, but basically, an adjustable silicon band is placed around the top part of the stomach, creating a small pouch at the top of the stomach.  Food then passes slowly through the restriction created by the band resulting in both a restriction in the amount of food that can be eaten, and in much longer feelings of fullness.  After surgery, saline can be added to or removed from the band to create more or less restriction in order to achieve the desire rate of weight loss (1-2 pounds per week is recommended).  If you're interested, you can read about the procedure in more detail at The Surgical Weight Loss Centre's website.  This is the clinic that will perform my surgery.

 

The key selling points for me on this surgery (vs. gastric bypass) is the fact that it is reversible, less invasive and has fewer side effects, since it does not rely on malabsorption for weight loss.

 

I've told my close friends and family about my decision and so far been quite overwhelmed by their support.  For some reason, I expected at least some of them to tell me that I'm taking the easy way out (which I absolutely do not believe), but so far, that hasn't happened.

 

Part of the pre-operative preparation for this surgery is a 2 week liquid diet, featuring Optifast.  I started 2 days ago.  This diet is designed to put your body into ketosis, which results in the shrinking of your liver.  Shrinking the liver is important to ensure the safefy of this type of surgery.  The liver needs to be moved out of they way, and the smaller it is, the easier that is to accomplish.  One of the pleasant side effects of ketosis is that you no longer feel hungry.  Apparently I am not yet in ketosis since I am ravenous.  One of the less pleasant side effects of ketosis is that it gives you bad breath.  I am armed with gum, but you might not want to get too close.

 

Optifast itself is not especially gross, in my opinion.  Nor is it good.  It's interesting how, when you are limiting what you're eating, everything looks good.  I made the grave mistake of going to the grocery store last night.  From now on, someone else will have to do the shopping.  It will be about 4 weeks before I'm able to start eating real food again (and then, it will be pureed) because it's necessary to let your stomach heal after the surgery.  So for Thanksgiving, I might be able to eat some pureed turkey and dressing.  And I'll tell you, right now, that sounds pretty damn good.

 

Interesting.

 

For a while now, I've been thinking that maybe the only real solution for people with significant weight problems is surgery.  I know so many people who have lost large amounts of weight.  Not one of these people has kept all of the weight off.  They've gained back half, all, or more than all of what they lost.  These people, myself among them, are not stupid or lazy.  They understand what is required to lose weight.  Eventually, the effort required to lose and sustain the weight loss is not possible to keep up.  So the weight creeps back on. 

 

It's been proven that once you become significantly overweight, your biochemistry is altered.  Fat cells multiply readily and once you have them, you're stuck with them.  You can't reduce the number of fat cells in your body, you can only reduce the size of them.  This puts the overweight person at a permanent disadvantage.

 

There is an unfortunate tendency for people to judge those that choose to undergo weight loss surgery.  They are branded as looking for a quick fix, not having the willpower to do it on their own.  The surgery doesn't change the reasons you over eat in the first place, is a line oft brandished by many.  I used to be one of the people that said all of those things.  I have revised my opinion.

 

I admire those who are willing to go ahead with surgery.  The commitment they are making to their health is pretty amazing.  They are deciding to alter their physiology such that they can no longer use their primary coping mechanism (excess food consumption) for dealing with their problems.  And while it's true that the surgery doesn't change the emotional reasons behind the eating, it sure forces you to deal with the emotions in some other way.  For some, that way might be another addiction.  But for many, many more, the surgery seems to be the catalyst for breaking down the emotional barriers.  It is in no way a quick fix.  What it is, really, is a way to give people a fighting chance at success.  If there were surgery to help people with tobacco or alcohol or drug addiction, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't condemn people for having it.  And like other addictions, obesity is in fact a disease, not a character flaw.

 

There is one thing I know for sure.  I've been successful at almost everything I've put my mind to in my life.  Except losing weight.  Have I given it 100% of my effort?  As much as it is possible to give anything 100% of my effort, yes.  I am sick to death of punishing myself by being hyper-aware of every single morsel of food that goes into my mouth, of the guilt that results if I eat something that isn't salad or chicken breast, of the hunger that gnaws at me all day when I eat the way I need to eat in order to lose weight.  I've had enough trying and trying and trying and failing and failing and failing.  It tears aware at your soul to be beaten down this way repeatedly.

 

This is no way to live.