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September 14 10 MinutesA little while back, I read a book titled "Sugar Daddy" by Lisa Kleypas. The book itself was nothing special, but there was a passage in it that I particularly enjoyed. In it, a teenage girl is talking to an older woman about the need for male companionship.
March 30 Don't AskAfter a while, she learned that she probably wouldn't get what she asked for. She tried many times, many different tactics, but the answer was pretty much always no. When the rare yes came, it was accompanied by such mumbling, moaning and whining that she felt guilty. It made her wish she hadn't asked. So, after a while, she stopped asking.
But every now and then, the desire for something would be overwhelming, and she would put herself out there and ask. And be let down again. So, she learned just not to ask. The sadness of not having was better than the pain of being shot down.
It was just something she couldn't understand. Because she never said no. Perhaps that was a bad thing, never saying no. But really, she justed wanted to do things for the people she cared about. She couldn't really understand why they didn't want to do things for her. January 03 Love MeI guess it's true. We don't really want the people that are willing to take us as we are. Especially if we think that we're imperfect to begin with. The person that will take us as we are must be imperfect too, if they're willing to put up with us. Being too available, too accepting is the kiss of death as far as love goes. Apparently you have to be unavailable. Maybe there's some challenge in that. Something to inspire us. The thrill of the chase and all. I don't know. It doesn't make much sense to me. December 31 An ExcerptSometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. I wonder if I should just pack it in. Forget about trying to find somebody to connect with. I have a guy who I find very attractive who is willing to have sex with me on a regular basis. I have friends I can go out with, if I want to. I have beautiful children. I have more than many people. Maybe that should be enough. Maybe the fantasy of the intense love is just a fantasy.
But when it's quiet, and I'm alone, I dream about having someone to hold me. Someone that I feel connected to. Someone to share the quiet with. A love that feels real. A love that isn't based on fear or loneliness. A love that just is.
And it's with this that I realize that perhaps I have expected too much of myself. Maybe my fatal flaw is that I think I'm capable of more than I really am. I think I should be capable of suppressing my humanity. But perhaps that's backwards. Perhaps the freedom lies in knowing that it's ok to want more than you have. It's ok to have expectations and to be disappointed when they don't materialize. To recognize that pain is unavoidable and to try to avoid pain is to never live fully. Without the pain, there is no real joy, no real moments of true, pure happiness. Everything is dull, hazy, less than it could be. Maybe the answer I'm searching for lies in accepting that I have limitations. That I am confined by being human. |
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